hello from truen

island wheat

2012-01-19T11:51:00.001-08:00

yarn bombers

2012-01-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

i would love to be a millionaire. and travel and do yoga everyday.

but if i can't have that option then i will take this option, pictured right here. when we were in WI we were constantly amazed at all the old people, real old timers, hiking the hills and the lakefront, and chilling out on the bench watching the water when it was about 14 degrees outside.

we tried to take that attitude to new york.

i don't have it inborn in me. but my little man, axel, he does. he is a trooper and he doesn't feel pain or cold or hunger. well hunger, he kinda does feel that. he sat down on his ankles and inhaled the little bag of trail mix that i bought for our walk. our "walk".

really a crazy adventure hike. we didn't think it would rain! we got out of the subway and it was starting to pour. i told axel we had to go to the bookstore or do something else. he started full out bawling crying in disappointment. he wanted the high line. so we said OK. we took him there and he led us up and down the trails for like 4 hours. i told him i had ENOUGH. mom is too tired and cold and wet and hungry!

he didn't want to go but i said, son, be proud of yourself, you accomplished a really big day.

farmin'

2012-01-04T15:28:00.000-08:00

happy new year!

we went to WI and saw fam fam. it was tubular.

saw a little baby big foot!

and an abandoned barn!

holidays

2011-12-15T14:47:00.000-08:00

hi! i can't write on this thing anymore lately. i don't know why!

today i had a play date with axel and a grown woman named shelley. it was fun, but also, constant verbal bombardment by axel. i needed a 3 hour nap to recover.

o b l i v i o n

2011-11-29T09:39:00.000-08:00

hide and go seek

2011-11-29T09:37:00.001-08:00

grow

2011-11-29T09:36:00.001-08:00

tazmania

2011-11-29T09:35:00.001-08:00

beluga

2011-11-27T13:46:00.001-08:00

wow! what a big animal that is!

emmy

2011-11-27T12:06:00.001-08:00

isn't this a pretty pic? it looks like one a those oldass paintings up at the museum and what not.

serene.

mopey.

gawgeous.

i'm feeling serene lately! after months of poopsville i just started doin' hot-yoga for no reason at all. i thought i should just try it once and see how bad it was. oh it's good! oh man it's so good. so instantly addicted.

and feeling better.

after 6 days i feel like a new person. healed up. shiny. flexingabilitations much improved.

bushwick bathroom

2011-11-07T06:52:00.000-08:00

it's crazy how fancy bushwick is getting. i'm buggin! i'm buggin! all these bars and restaurants everywhere!

not on my block. not yet.

zen

2011-11-05T16:07:00.001-07:00

pre view

2011-11-05T16:06:00.001-07:00

muster

2011-11-01T16:29:00.001-07:00

weiner schnitzel

2011-10-24T15:02:00.002-07:00

no show

2011-10-24T15:02:00.000-07:00

i hate when people move away. breaks my little tiny battered heart. it does! it happens too often. this town is always in flux.

axel crawled under the jungle gym today. there just so happened to be some human diarrhea under there! mmmm delish!

it made ME want to move away, you betcha.

just pack it up.

move away and pretend i never had dreams.

disaster

2011-10-24T14:58:00.001-07:00

gaddafie bin bobben

2011-10-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

tuesdays are a special day for me! but it's turned a little stressful. things are going to hell-o at school, at home, in my hobbies. it's just a mess! my hobby feels like work lately. not like fun. and i seem to muddle everything up everywhere i go. my teacher told me she was about to throw me out the window. boy did i cry about that. supposedly i should be happy that i haven't been yelled at and failed anything for almost... like... anatomy class in january of 2009? 20010? when was that?

i really admire all these people going to school for NP. and this one guy said he's working hard but his wife in med school is workin' even harder. i know one of those people! shout out to doctor sarah! i just can't believe things sometimes. i have one baby, then i meet someone with FOUR BABIES. i struggle with my dinky classes and then there's sarah delivering a stillborn baby and trying to keep on keepin' on. and SURGERY! o mah gosh. i can't imagine.

so at least i haven't been thrown out a window yet.

squack squak squak

2011-10-16T13:51:00.001-07:00

times square

2011-10-16T13:50:00.001-07:00

oh my gosh! the things! the many things going on! ahhhhhh!

bat man

2011-10-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

i have a really good memory of halloween last year. for some reason matthew was gone and i took my baby axel on the bike down to fort greene. we weren't planning on staying long, but it was so exciting and fun. the streets were packed with people, costumes, crazy haunted houses and a small theater production in some person's front lawn. it was so pretty and zany, i really liked it a lot. i liked that i wasn't doing what i normally want to do. i was doing something for axel, that he liked doing and was enjoying. normally i hate crowds, i hate his routine being disrupted, i hate candy. but for once it all went out the window and it was a blast. riding home on the bike in the dark i knew axel felt very very privileged to be awake and outside in the spooky darkness. it was super fun.this year axel is a big ass man child. he knows it is approaching, he's read all the little critter books about it. he's seen thomas the train doin' it. he is pumped. i think it will be really great and it will be fun to have him so aware of what is going on.

road kill

2011-10-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

well i'm getting over a lot of the hospital fears. the fears of being in the way and not knowing anything. i'm better at talking to patients and making a big effort to be helping out at least as much as i hamper the processes. we have a lot of research type of assignments and for one of my projects i wrote about this lady named margaret newman and her health care theory called "health as expanding consciousness". there are times when i really think i fell into the right field. some of these nurses, theys a buncha hippies if you know what i mean !!!!

shark attack

2011-10-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

well it's wintery season again. already! summer seemed to fly by in about a nano second. so unfair. if i wasn't super healthy over the summer i feel that it's an uphill battle now that the temperature has dropped and the sun is going down down down. HOWEVER i ordered a super neato jump rope. for some cardio action. and i significantly lowered my alcohol consumption in the last um... 2 days.

peering into ponds

2011-10-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

there's not a lot of places to go and get a toddler nice and dirty. he's good at finding puddles and what not. but if you want to take him somewhere to climb in a stream, you have quite a long drive ahead of you. today we are going to a pond in queens that is pretty dirty. we have to drive a short distance to get there. it's not really something he can walk around IN, but he can poke it with a stick and explore some trails. there's days like today when i just want to live in the mountains or something. raise my little guy to be a wild boar. the city is special, but wow do i miss nature. nature is super duper special.

disaster comedy

2011-09-24T15:04:00.000-07:00

hey what's up?! i've been getting into burning the candle at both ends. that's what i do now. it only makes me mildly sick and nauseous. so if you are in brooklyn on tuesday you should come hang out with some other new comics at larry lawrence. from 8-10pm. it'll be sweeeeet.

tea time

2011-09-22T11:07:00.000-07:00

when all is said and done, it was rather impulsive.

whiners

2011-09-22T11:04:00.000-07:00

we've been putting down roots here. and that's a good thing. but it's scary! super duper scary. i think ny just sucks you into it's vortex and then what? it's a stressful place. but i love makin' friends here!

baby crazy

2011-09-22T11:01:00.001-07:00

all my friends are having babies! and of course no one really lives nearby, so i won't get to squeeze and smush and drool on them. i don't know why i feel so baby cwazy. it's not rational.

bed bath

2011-09-22T07:21:00.001-07:00

babbooon at the shoe store

2011-09-19T14:44:00.000-07:00

bigger and terrific-er

2011-09-04T10:46:00.001-07:00

so many good ideas. so little time.

molasses

2011-09-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

this is my mom trying on different sunglasses. i thought it was me when i saw the pictures! but it's not me it's her! she is one funny hunny. now you know.

muffins

2011-09-02T17:43:00.000-07:00

axel talks funny! he is 3 and a half.

he says "dabwannas" instead of bananas. i try not to worry about it. so what if it means that my accent makes it sound like that and yet i never knew! so what if i'm teaching him to talk crazy but i didn't even realize it! do i say "da banana" instead of "the banana"? geez louize i hope not. i wouldn't put it past me.

while riding my bike i was worrying about getting run over. i was thinking about those skiiers that hit trees and get their brain full of blood and then they walk around for a few hours before keeling over in death. it's like a hilarious god prank! they walk around as if there's nothing wrong. they say, "boy that hurt!". then they take a little nap and never wake up.

when axel falls down it looks bad. i don't know if it LOOKS as bad as a skiing accident. i would have to have them shown to me side by side at once. at the play ground. to properly judge. the thing with axel hitting the concrete is that... well...

for example you would never ever lay down on the ground and decide "i know! i think i will head butt the pavement! with all of my might! just smash and bash my forehead right here on this rock hard surface!".

i don't think your body would allow you to do that. not on purpose. but inadvertently axel does this. quite frequently.

it helps me to pretend that there is no life, there is no death, we are all just dreaming, and really ACTUALLY really.... we are just a piece of atom in the unified field.

catskills

2011-08-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

camping with a mini van makes camping embarrassingly easy and suburban. camping with a dog... camping with a DOG? camping with a dog is SO FUN!!!

we found this piece of paradise

it was heavenly

manicotti

2011-08-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

so relaxing

even burger was mildly relaxed and seemed less wildebeest-ish

oddly-- aaron, matthew and i ALL had the same desire to reach into the embers or maybe even lay down in them. why do embers look so enchanting? weird.

lunge

2011-08-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

it's so hot! all my hair burned off in the sun. then my hus made me bike all over the city and get chores done. so i'm pretty much a kickboxing kickboxer of productivity. except that i am so tired. and a tiny bit drunk.

settling down like a real adult for once

2011-08-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

cleaned my desk off! painted! hung up "decorations" (whatever that means). it's like we really live here!

hopeful honey pie bubblegum princess

2011-08-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

seventy five

2011-08-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

scuba divers

weirdos

drunken sailors. it's been greeaaaat to have a break from school. except i've been kind of sick! the stress makey me sick! so i've been having fun inbetween naps. we went to a pond. we went to a bar. we get around ok.

raisins

2011-08-12T17:51:00.000-07:00

i'm content with life (for one day). i got to clean the house. holy filthy house. i got to talk to my pal on the phone. we hung out at the park with some nice people. and i cleaned out my studio.

it is so hard to stay in the moment. even when you really be trying.

there's this sweet book called "the practicing mind" that i try to adhere to. and it's a challenge. let me tell ya'. all is quiet at the moment. i'm sitting here in peace.

the update

2011-08-08T09:43:00.000-07:00

well i'm at school an awful lot. memorizing. making up stories. making up names and hoping not to forget the real name. guessing on trick questions.

missing my family. the brooklyn one. and the WI one.

getting sick. feverish and sweating.

daydreaming about roller derby. maybe it's not as hard as it looks! i'm so optimistic sometimes.

wishing i could go with my mom on her upcoming trip to the west coast.

mailing people stuff.

wondering. getting older. and listening to desert rock music.

millie fishnets

2011-07-30T16:46:00.001-07:00

beta blockers

2011-07-30T16:45:00.000-07:00

peppers

2011-07-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

turtle pond

2011-07-29T14:36:00.000-07:00

someone fell into a pond on weds morning.

who do you think was more traumatized: him or me?

nothing like a near death experience to start the day. then the yogurt exploded in my bag.

P U

la lid off

2011-07-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

oh me lord! what a year. what a trip. i stumbled my way through chemistry and some other bowlshizt. i had a bunch of performance flops. there were dark days.

now it's that very special time of year... august!

august is somehow my window of opportunity in the world. it's the only time of year that things come together. all year i try to get the juggle down... and for one month of the year all the things are juggled well.

it's like the equinox, when my grandma stands eggs up all over her house.

i'm figuring out how to own a stage. and how to be organized with studying and bills and cleaning and not procrastinate for once. i'm juggling.

my only hope is that it lasts longer than 30 days this time.

love

2011-07-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

i love washington square park. and the ice cream truck. i love the neighbors (most of them). i love bushwick and the heat. i love all the crazy hair here. all the people. and new york and having a hose in the back yard. i love the big blow up pool at our bff's and their fabulous shady trees.

i'm not gonna lie.... i still daydream about LA often. but summer in the city has been pretty great so far.

so peace on earf.

goodwill towards mankind.

search under the boulders

2011-07-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

where on earth have you been? where have i been? asleep? dreaming? nightmar-ing? well here i am remembering people i used to know :) i love old friends. i choose life!

black hockey schmesus

2011-07-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

i love summer. even though i can't sleep or move because of the heat. i just love it because there's no clothes on nobody. and there's no heating bill. what. what is new? i'm dripping sweat. it's like i'm taking a shower that i made myself. it's distracting.

yesterday a man came to our door and rang the bell. the "bell" is actually a supersonic nuclear reactor alarm that scares us out of our skin every time it (rarely) gets rung. so we leapt up in unison. and i went to the door and it was the lovely man next door! my pal! he is always smoking on the stoop. he has a few teeth and he smiles at me.

he came to the door because our car had some flashing lights. hazards i mean. they were flashing. i was SO happy. i was happy cuz he's got the kindest face, and cuz he told me something helpful and went out of his way, and cuz i was happy he wasn't the fuzz. i always assume it's the fuzz for some reason and i'm infinitely relieved when it aint.

i hate the fuzz.

sorry is that offensive? i meant fucking pigs.

jk!

so anyway i told him how grateful i was that he told me that. you know what he said? he said oh honey, it's no problem, i love you.

and i nearly shit myself.

cuz.

jeez louise.

it's like gahd his/herself just wanted to let me know that i shouldn't give up all hope permanently. i shouldn't just dig a hole to bury myself quite yet. i shouldn't poison the well or the wine.

it's too soon!

there is love!

it was so special.

pretend portland

2011-07-15T18:05:00.000-07:00

think global act local

found objects

2011-07-15T18:04:00.001-07:00

summer sick

2011-07-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

life isn't fair
i feel so greedy

no waaaaaaaay

2011-07-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

WOAH!

master of disguise

2011-07-15T09:05:00.001-07:00

passed my pee test!

2011-07-15T09:03:00.001-07:00

Result Status: Negative Explanation:
Substances Tested:
Amphetamines
Barbiturates
Benzodiazepines
Cocaine
Methadone
Methaqualone
Opiates
Phencyclidine
Propoxyphene
Marijuana

we will never forget

2011-07-13T08:33:00.001-07:00

lost and found

2011-07-06T15:37:00.001-07:00

i plead the fif

2011-07-04T15:34:00.001-07:00

caught stealing

2011-06-30T19:00:00.000-07:00

moustache

2011-06-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

russian hill at nethermeade

2011-06-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

paco and pierre

2011-06-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

bronxy

2011-06-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

i'm living in the bronx and my brain is fried. and i miss my family! but at least i got a nice little hug and a picture for a minute before i go back to school again.

little digger

2011-06-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

hey now

2011-06-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

i embarrass myself all the time. especially at home. and in public. at open mics. and at variety shows. it's the pits you know? i think screaming in public is a good idea? and then it was actually the worst one? but pain is educational. and even these oscar winners have been known to humiliate themselves/all of us from time to time.

these are just things to keep in mind. judge yourself gently. judge the perfermence art gently.

and try not to look em in the eye.

humor me

2011-06-24T16:56:00.001-07:00

this was so long ago! and it was so badass. and it's so strange to look at from the future, i mean from now, looking at the past. back into time. matthew is still matthew, but he has gone so many light years past this piece. isn't that strange? this to this....

ok he didn't really paint that one.

he DID paint this one! this one here:

and it is nice.

it's gone now. i think it took a cab to chelsea.

in the middle

2011-06-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

elephant mice

2011-06-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

glory

2011-06-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

hills and valleys

2011-06-15T13:48:00.001-07:00

here to there

sleeper hold

2011-06-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

all the world

2011-06-15T13:46:00.002-07:00

my friend arnie is a walker. he walks all over town.

say uncle

2011-06-15T13:46:00.001-07:00

farmer frank

2011-06-15T13:43:00.000-07:00

a

2011-05-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

b

2011-05-29T15:21:00.000-07:00

c

2011-05-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

swedish-german pixie from iowa

2011-05-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

diamonds are forever

2011-05-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

the other day on the news they said they were planning on expanding the debt ceiling. which is some kind of special ability to defy all laws of common sense and economics. which is very american and brave.
the other day on the news i heard that we could buy a very special forest for 3 billion dollars. i don't have that much in my bank account-- but i would like to contribute what i have. i say it's better to be poor and have air to breathe, than to be less poor and have none.
the other day on the news i heard this guy say "you can not live a lie!" and to that i replied "watch me!".

fifty dollars

2011-05-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

this is me! i'm a silly little pig with a pen! i went to see a writing coach and he told me i was contrived and didn't know my voice and that what i had written down made no sense. i had ideas for jokes but no jokes. which is a lot to process. i don't mind being an amateur usually. but that made me wish i could skip the amateur stages completely. but then this other guy told me that if i memorized my jokes and slowed down, i would be a cold blooded killer. people would die from busting a gut. and that guy wasn't a writing coach, but he was a bass guitar player, which is kind of a little bit cooler really, when you think about it.

life long goals

2011-05-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

matthew and i agree this would make a terrific house

matthew and i agree this would not

laughs

2011-05-22T16:56:00.000-07:00

a while back we saw this horrible movie on tv late at night. it's called 1408 with john cusack- the room is totally haunted! we were laughing so hard though-- it was worth it.

and i know i have probably laughed sometime in the weeks since that night-- but i can't really be sure. but today i laughed ! super hard. matthew was doing impressions of the young children playing outside next door. they are very nice looking small children ages 5-10 years old. this is matthew's stellar impersonation of their screams:

"GO F--- YOUR MOM!" "NO YOU GO F--- YOUR GRANDMA!" "NO YOUR GRANDMA CAN F--- YOUR MOM!" "OH YEAH? WELL WHY DON'T YOU GO S--- A C---!!!!"

the horrors! the laughter of the horrors! as long as you can laugh about it, right?

good graces

2011-05-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

is this kate moss? i think it is very bad a$$! it makes me feel like punching walls and training in a movie like what's her name in kill bill.

greens

2011-05-22T16:53:00.000-07:00

it was summer a week ago. it felt nice. i bought sunblock. now it's been raining for days and days and i just don't know what kind of world i am living in.

no resemblance

2011-05-13T17:24:00.000-07:00

my bff.
it's all the things i say in his ears that come out of his mouth.
with some of dad's "WHAT THE FU&K!!!!" occasionally. as well. additionally. with astute timing.

it's definitely not my fashion sense. i mean it is. but i wouldn't ever admit it!

he's the sweetest little piece of butter, i tell ya. and for a while now, he's been my whole life.

or was... now i'm going corporate. oh boy. what exactly is in store?

one year today

2011-05-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

my!
how things shift about!
at the time this photo was taken... i would say axel could sit and "read" with you.... for about 2.3 seconds.
this is ali last year with axel. she was amazing. amazing! she is amazing still. she took axel to a farm in... i don't know... queens i think? his first straight up adventure. she gave him candy. it was a big deal. she was a life saver! she instilled in him a deep love for watching boats/ throwing rocks at the east river state park. for like 4-12 hours. minimum. now she has the most gorgeous cafe! you go now! it's on franklin + greene.

and now, just now, when this photo was taken, i think he can read for like 15 minutes! or less. for up to fifteen minutes. that's almost 3 times as long!
just a mere 12 months later. and this is a real live man child on the couch. reading a book. alone. of his own will power.
ali is not here to entertain us. but she lives near the east river and i think she will still meet up with us to throw rocks. cuz she's cool like that.

just say no

2011-05-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

no change! no!

this is my little man, holding his treasures. a metro card with insufficient funds. a piece of ribbon.... i mean a "kite" that he found.... and a giant stick. medium sharp. who needs 2 eyes anyway?? this was axel's last day at the unschool. a sad day! a day that says, nothing is never gonna be the same! time is marching onwards! i hope we still get to see his friends from up in there. what a buncha sweethearts.

axel with some of his posse. yeah he knows a lot of people. this is just seconds, moments-- right before the 2 scooters tripped up alexis and nearly broke every bone in her body.

axel's new school. he loves this guy, he says, "hey! big guy! read me a book!". and the miracle is, mr. robert really does it! he really does! also: there's 2 birds, an undetermined number of fish, and singing.

fweaky deaky

2011-05-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

i like this funny lookin' little kid. her sweater! is it from peru? i would wear that thing! cuz i'm a fweak like that. would you believe this little gal is named trixie? for real! what a hoot.

this guy, from this one cartoon, he looks how i feel. i mean he looks how i look. that's my exact look he is copying right there.

always wear a helmet. the sunglasses are optional. they don't really keep the garbage and dust out of your eyes. you'd think they would! but the wind finds a way to whip it into your balls, irrregardless.

don't hold your breath

2011-05-03T05:10:00.000-07:00

this photo couldn't possibly make you homesick. or could it? does it? it makes me feel so sad and far away when i look at it. missing a place that doesn't exist anymore.

and here is sammy. she was 3. now she is almost 13. it was a blink of an eye and i have only seen her a few times in those ten years. she hardly knows me. but she will always be my favorite. now my little one is 3. i vow to never close my eyes! never!

bookin

2011-05-03T05:05:00.000-07:00

i miss my old weird friends :(

2011-04-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

caitlin and aaron were the funniest couple of mo$#r&*%ers i ever knew. and they moved away, one after the other. left a gaping hole in my life and heart. it won't ever be filled! never again!

celebrities i love/ embarrassed

2011-04-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

i know there's something wrong with me. not that i watch this show. but i HAVE. and i WOULD.

to admire, to inspire

2011-04-25T07:08:00.002-07:00

farmers/ movements/ will things get better? will i help?

2011-04-25T07:08:00.001-07:00

there was an article about young 20's people and 30's people buying farms and starting a revolution. it said that we aren't yet sure how long this trend will last. will they give up because it's too hard? because it doesn't pay? will the foodies and the organic restaurants be able to support it? i'm usually cynical and stuff, but i felt so sad that they would question it so critically so soon. "will it last? who knows if it will last! it's only been five minutes!". it makes me think of all the hippies. those poor bastards trying to save the world and then giving up to sell insurance. will things get better? can they? how much am i even helping by doing these little things to help? i use cloth bags... i do these tiny things.... does it even matter? how bad is the state of the erf i wonder. is there any hope left?

celebrities / what do i want in life?

2011-04-25T07:06:00.000-07:00

i was admiring this very photoshopped poster on the train recently... and thinking about all the years it takes to hone your skills. to carve and create a caricature of yourself. you have to really know yourself to have a caricature of yourself! that's what they say. it makes sense and it's even admirable. but then when i see this poster it makes me feel bad for them or something. to render yourself in plastic and who knows how you can ever change. it's hard enough to change as a regular person. and then if you're oprah or something.... but i guess it's always possible. bob saget did it!

back in the back yard

2011-04-09T09:57:00.000-07:00

strike tv

2011-03-31T10:52:00.001-07:00

do you like this show

or is it too creepy?!

(there's a funny one called faux baby too!)

tiny pea

2011-03-29T17:45:00.000-07:00

look see

2011-03-29T17:33:00.000-07:00

oh wow

supscription

i felt like he was talking to me! i don't appreciate things to the fullest. at all. things have gone so dull. the lights are out. no one is home. but i'm thinking about things, about the wonder! i know in many ways i still have a huge imagination. and i make notes and observe things with that eye. but then a lot of times it's just the miserable drudgery that i think being a grown up requires. the pay the bills toiling peasant. it's a drain! on my membrane! but then i read a post like that - i think- yo! i'm an old-ish lady and i know i haven't lost/crossed over/forgotten/whatever the heck that is that they say you give up when you get older. i don't think so! maybe i'm mentally off, and there probably was something in the water. up in door county where i was raised. because a lot of people from up there in the woods are mentally off! but anyway indeed. i think i'm young and old at once. it's a strange feeling.

plus in the comments there was a person telling the author to write a book. and that message was so freaking weird, so i don't know how to bring it up here now. it was just real weird. it felt like this great enouragement anyone could have taken- about how this one author wrote a book, and he just did it, and so you could too. anywho.

bogs!

blogs are a totally bizarre world. i don't know what to make of them. it's like a community yet not. i don't understand traffic or money making or word of mouf. the one that i'm talking about isn't for money apparently. it's a poet venting his life in a rock and roll way. and mine, this one right here just started out as a memory, a diary or something, i think due to myspace. and it's a writing vent... but a lot of memories and photos from the pov of my weird journey. and i read about 3 other blogs because of the personality of the writer, where they post personal stuff, funny stuff, new, or whatevers.

note

2011-03-27T17:21:00.001-07:00

"i get a lot of positive reinforcement all the time, i get compliments, and i believe them".

"what i'm prusuing may not be attainable but i accepted that a long time ago"

is happiness for you pursuing a goal? cuz this guy i know is in pursuit of something and seems like he has it all figured out. some of my friends don't know what they want, and it feels lost and miserable. other friends know, or know vaguely, what they want.... but they don't know how to get it. it feels slightly better than nothing. but a lot like banging your head on the wall. my inspiring friend with the ego-- he -- (i think there are probably girl ones too tho) knows exactly what he wants, and it's a consistent thing usually. and he just goes doggedly after these things. no questioning, complaining. not too fast and not too slow.

for me it's always so vague. it's vague and far away. plus i waste a lot of time giving up, and complaining, and telling everyone who will listen that i quit. but it feels bad to not do nothing. it feels bad not trying. a huge disappointment! but today i had studio time and it felt amazing. and then calling my friend tara was the icing on the cake. i need stuido time. i need my buddies to talk to.

is therapy a life long process of learning to talk back to the voices in yr head? it's like a room full of interogators up in there. it's like el grande inquisition. i'm getting better at it. i can't afford a real therapist, but this one personality that i have is so stable and smart! so read a lot of books and i just try to make them that personality remember the important shit.