why this is so nice?

tap tap tap

once when we were fighting, matthew said "i look with hate rays but really they are LOVE rays just disguised as hate rays". and i think that's funny, when you start hugging everything isn't so bad again. you stop murdering each other.

i went on the bike all ALONE for the first time since... like 2 years ago in greenpoint. it was amazing and terrifying.

ode to washington square park:
the cutest mod dude with the cutest mod baby. tons of music. the jazz band baby soda. the matchstick man. a new friend. a sand box. water. an excuse to wear my short shorts. free ice cream cones (i wish).

the L train was screwed up this weekend, so we walked a few blocks south to the J train. and that dropped us off in soho! we walked up to the park and did some other errands. oh boy! it was a long ass day. you know when you're tired and dirty and not sure if you can make it home... at least you know that you had a good and eventful and full day!

and even if you pass out in a gutter, the people here are so nice i bet they wouldn't even strip you of your belongings. well... maybe just your i phone.

well i got to cheese it now, more later,
love big momma t

upside down

last weekend we wandered into this garden of wonder! it was like a tiny jungle with a winding path. it ruled! it was last week, and it feels like last year, and it also feels like yesterday.

where do the weeks go? they go the way of the whiskey?

everyone i know is breaking up and miserable. isn't that weird? why can't people just be friends? and it's funny how the interpretation in our heads has nothing in common with our partner's. maybe it has something to do with types. as in what "type" of person are you? if you are in a relationship with the exact same type of person-- maybe y'all will agree upon things. but chances are that you aren't the same type! so you just inherently see things differently, you move through the world differently.

well. that's all i got.

peace out,

momma t

naked party

oh to live! what is that nonsense. why can't we just get naked and splash each other at the water park? this picture is at a secret spot in mccarren park. it's across from matchless bar, kinda. it's about the only thing to do when it gets hot. it's been so humid and sticky that i have a harder time than ever getting myself dressed. everything feels uncomfortable and itchy. what's a girl to do?

yesterday i was reading this wonderful book! it's called the wise heart, by jack kornfield. it's a little hard to get into at first. unless you just skip the whole introduction... but once you get into it, it's amazingly good! i think it's funny how books can lead you to other books. and sometimes they reference each other and you feel smart. i have seen a library not too far away from my house... it's kind of a long walk... but not too bad... and i have never been inside it! it looks really small and weird. i need to go there, but it's like i am spoiled by amazon! i haven't ordered a ton of books on there... but it seems more convenient than a library... in the sense that they always have what you want. you don't have to talk to anyone about it. you don't have to go on no waiting list. i am having a mental library block. do you go to one?? my cousin LOVES the library- she gets books, cds, and even MOVIES there!!

please come over and let's walk to the library.

with or without it

i ran! it was so hard! it was murder!

things is so hard. it's objectively hard. i don't think that you are a wuss, i think that you don't give yourself enough credit for all the effort it takes to do these things. these things that you think are easy for other people to do. but in fact it's hard for them, as well!

who likes to do laundry? who wants to run errands? who enjoys pain and agony?!!

things isn't easy, but when you think about it, that's a good thing. i had a painting class once. it wasn't easy! but i think that it's good to do hard things. it's good to have challenges and be proud when you did something that you didn't think you could even try. that you didn't think you could even start!

my friend told me about these annoying twitters that she saw... things like "didn't work out, only did abs today". and i was thinking about that. and how it seems like that would be something you would write in a log or journal about your exercise. not something that you would share with actual people, like, as a conversation piece! but that reminded me of something that julie was saying about how the voice that's in your head, the things that you say to yourself, that can be really unnecessary information! so even when it makes sense to write things in your exercise journal-- the point that i'm trying to make-- is that you can kind of choose and alter that voice. it's one thing to edit your conversations and twitters, but even your journal is saying things to you. so instead of focusing on all the negatives...

i think we should really give ourselves credit! i ran today, and i'm not going to write down the minutes of walking. i'm not going to try to discredit any of it, it was so hard. and i can hardly believe i ran at all. let alone pushed through the shittiness of it and not stop after 5 minutes. not stop EVERY 5 minutes.

today our friend jamie was telling us that he was always hoping. hoping and wishing. but instead of that he is going to now be DOING! that sounds good. that sounds like a prize winner.

napalm wars

oh! hello! what are you doing here? do you come here often? how about that sunshine!

i was thinking about how being a snob is a huge waste of time. have you ever thought about that? like... it really kind of makes you hole up and you miss out. and um. i was thinking about being a nerd. and how you don't have to wear a t-shirt that says nerd- but you can just be comfortable in your nerdiness and just talk to everyone in your nerdy way. and not give a crap about it. it's actually endearing!

there is this old friend, not the oldest friend i've ever had, not like pre historic, but an old good friend. and i have re-connected with this friend! and it's been great. i've realized, i guess it's taken a hundred or more of these re-connections to see that time just doesn't stop and it doesn't really hold grudges. everyone is in a flood headed down river. and my old friend told me that things sometimes go down hill and it's a war zone and you end up napalming each other but there are no hard feelings because it was war and that's what wars entail. i laughed! i really did. i mean napalming your friends? how is that fair! but i realized that all of the fighting, the arguing, the butting heads... all of the pranks and swords in their sides... it's all attention seeking. it's a crazy way that you try to provoke the person to come out of their shell. and it doesn't work! it just drives them further into their shell. but in your head you think that they will yell back at you and it will feel good. or that they will see through your plots and just laugh.

this is so terrible, but it's true. i was mad at him and i called and had his phone shut off. they just turned it right off! and i guess i did it cuz i was pissed off, but i also thought, maybe it would make him remember our friendship. it's like, the napalm, the big guns.

remember that movie rushmore? did you see that? with bill murray? and their fighting just escalates and they go at it? but later they are friends again. it's like, you napalm people because you love them so much! so much that you have to hurt them.

there are some grown ups that i know that were married for a long long time, and when they split up they would kind of yell dumb threats at each other and lecture each other and hold different relationships over their head. and it was a ploy. but what can you do? people just drive you crazy. and it's hard to let go.

i read that if you drop your opinions you will find the truth. and i know that immature ways of dealing with relationships and stress and disappointment and rejection... it's hard to not regress. to not fart on their pillow. but i hope that i am done with all of that. for sure axel will put me to the test of every possible length of will power and patience. but fuck that! i am done. i have no more opinions or judgments.

unless it comes to touching a hot stove?

poke the bear

this is the image that matthew has on his new phone. it is something sweet to look at however many times per day.

we had a busy weekend. busy and hot. and different things from the usual things: riding in cars, having a babysitter, time with friends, seeing out of towners, eating at restaurants, spontaneous activities like walking and stopping into whatever catches our fancy along the way, purchasing a second hand machete for the piddling price of one dollar, massive grocery shopping, too many sweets.

zinefest was on sunday. it was weird! my friends have always said not to give things away for free. but i have these feelings inside of me... that i can't even get people to even stop for a glance at my stuff, and i like, i have to almost forcibly trick/make people take things from me. my things. my hobbies that i made with my own broken little hands.

there was a time in my life that is not so fun to think about, but it was called the post card years. i sent million kagillions of postcards all over the world, all over! and i sent them free and i was so dedicated. and it seemed to me that if you just stuck with it how could it not have some sort of snow ball effect? right? isn't that one of the miracles of science that einstein invented? the persistence theory?

my actor friend recently described to me the actor strategy for success. it's something like this: send 100 postcards/ resumes/ headhshots every month for two years and a couple of those will become something. and then eventually those little somethings become even bigger! and someday you can quit your waitress job and only do acting jobs. that actually pay you money!!!

so i try to keep her patient ethics and strategies in mind when i think about "zines" (i hate that word) and "comics"....

and "postcards".... postcards which i hardly ever make any more because they make me want to barf.

who is in charge?

on sunday my buddy and me are having a table at zinefest! woo hoo! i googled "zinefest" and they are in every city. so maybe we will start on sunday and then go on a world tour.

hand it over

we went to the park today, axel played in the dirt and the sand. he ran up this little hill laughing. he is so easily amused! we have a good time usually. sometimes we communicate telepathically, except without words. more like. we just understand each other sometimes. but you know what? i probably wasn't cut out for this home maker business. it's just kind of difficult in every way for me. matthew says he would do a better job, and i believe him. but then, i also believe a dog could do a better job. so what does that mean? ha ha! just kidding. matthew would be great because he doesn't seem to dread grocery shopping and cooking meals in the same way that i do. today i cleaned- i don't know if i'm exaggerating- but i want to say it's been over a month since i cleaned this place. i remember scrubbing the shit out of everything before carrie + brian were going to stay with us. that was... about 34 days ago.

give it to me

oh lordy!

it just keeps on raining around here. every time i look at the forecast it says rain for the next few weeks. that is so lame!

how are you and shit?

do you believe in aliens? and if so... do you believe they are like... here on earth sometimes? shirley mclain does!

what are you doing right now on a friday night?

i might do laundry.

dog days

mythical creatures

wowzers! my friend, so far away, in some other hemisphere, told me about this blog by penelope trunk. it's really fascinating! it's the only blog i've ever spent days and days reading and clicking on everything. thank you meredith!!

this is directly related to my confusion a few days ago about what on earth i'm supposed to do with my life:

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2007/12/18/bad-career-advice-do-what-you-love/

and this is sort of incredible to me... the second of the three "new" sexist fronts is about women having less orgasms. it kind of shocked me to my core! it feels like we women seem to find ways every day to martyr ourselves and be totally clueless about what or why we are even doing that?! or perhaps that is the original gender gap, it's what we've been doing since the cave days. what do you think:

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/06/02/new-gender-gaps-for-the-new-millennium/

in other news, i ran a little bit for the first time in almost two weeks, and it was rough. it's so humid here that i was drenched with sweat in the grossest way. but i felt better for it i guess. and it's weird how sad or down on myself i get each day that i don't get no exercise. things get a little distorted in my mind about it, and even though i knew i probably wouldn't be running in the desert, i starting seeing myself as this incredibly out of shape sack of barbarians. and a couple weeks probably couldn't cause THAT much damage... or could it?!

funcooker

why don't i cook nice? why can't i cook good? matthew gets to drooling over these recipes in a book, and i am more like a goat, munching on a piece of cardboard. i love eating- i just don't have much of a palate. did ya see that darling movie "ratatouille"?? it was so cute! and they describe the situation i am living in, they really do. matthew has the distinctions and the love of food, and the razmataz. his goofy brother eating garbage, that one is me.

last time i put things into the slow cooker thingie, it all turned to mush. i had to eat it for the whole entire week by myself. because no one else would eat it! and i don't like to throw food away. axel helped me eat it, but he don't really count because he doesn't know better.

farmers in the hay

oh lordy!

my friend in portland? she's on fire! and it sounds nice. she's just writing until her little hands bleed.... then she writes some more!

me, on the other hand, i need something to catch on fire. because i am just a boring person most days! there's a few things that i have to look forward to, but i just tend to kind of procrastinate all of it instead of hopping to it. do you ever do that? it's not too effective. i have to set up my scanner so that i can start my main hobby in life, to put it all up on the interweb. also, me and my pal got a table at a zinefest. so that's in just a couple weeks! that's something. and on a different subject, i have to go to school. and get that in order. i guess i might become a nurse! and be a practical adult person. with my dreams on the side. that's not such a bad thing- i know it sounds like a failure. but the facts, are the facts, and i am not a commercial ambition of a person. i keep doing my thing. and it's like, it just is what it is! it's not for everyone. it's just for you and me!

i met these old ladies recently. they told me that a person needs to go after the things that they want. that they look back and they wonder why they didn't just listen to their hearts! that you need to do what's in your heart. and i don't think they... i'm not sure what they meant totally. they didn't seem like artists, they didn't tell me what specifically they would have chased after. and i have to wonder if you don't know what you really want until you are older and looking back. they say that hindsight is 20 20. they say that.

with all sorts of interests how do you even know what you want to chase after? and when it's clear to you that you aren't marketable, or you're no good at marketeering or something, then don't you just chase your dreams on the side like everyone else? or were they saying that you just can't always be so afraid. the fear is the obstacle! and you have to be relentless and realize that the money don't matter, there is no success, there is just manifesting these ideas. producing. and showing.

i don't know. we're all on some kind of path. i am so slow to get my feet moving. but they are usually stepping somewheres.

many meats!

oh boy!

what adventures.

how are you doing?

do you like shopping?

what do you think about dropping out of society? and living in the desert! what do you think about um, homosexuals?

have you ever heard of the black parrot!

enthusiasm

i thought of a slogan for something, like, to put on t-shirts. and we could think of a "sweet" mascot! get it? it's a pun!! and we need a product to sell, or a company possibly? a company so that we can use this great slogan.

the slogan is this:

dessert don't last

do ya like it?

a hostile environment

oh my golly!

how've you been?! how you be?

it's been a couple days- we're in the desert! it's weird. it's a higher elevation i am told. i'm the only one sun burned.

there is a wolf here, a "pet" but still a wolf. the wolf has weird feelings about axel, i'm not sure what those feelings are... what is that thing? why is it laughing at me? what's it saying?

that is all i can tell you for now.

bee trousers

chumley

the other morning i awoke, groggy. and my face felt funny. groggy is normal for me. face feeling funny, that's kind of unusual. i tried to look in the mirror but one eye was swollen shut. and the other eye... it looked kind like i had gotten punched just underneath it. the top of my cheek was all swollen and red! wha' happene'??

it was mosquitoes!

they are so nasty out here. they are small and black. and they are like... they are wicked looking. the welts that they leave are terrible! it looks like a platypus attacked you, more than a regular mosquito bitting you.

well, it's gross. i no like. but what can i do about it? bug zapper machines are too expensive. and you can't legally purchase bats to eat the bugs. you are allowed to build bat houses and hope that some move in. but there's a million kinds of bats, and they each like their own kind of house. so what the hell!

matthew doesn't get eaten by bugs. why is that? his thick honey colored skin? or his natural odor repellent? or um.... does he just blend in with the rocks? even though he couldn't really care less about bugs, he did the sweetest thing! he sealed up all the screens and he patrolled around killing whatever mosquitoes he could find! isn't that the nicest? he doesn't like to wake up next to a black and blue and itchy lady?

in other news... we are listening to this new york radio show. i think that's what it's called, i have no idea. it's really funny music they play. there's always some lame hip hoppy rap like a poetry slam, terrible. and then there's this new peaches song that is weird. it's not even 9am and they played the knife and yeah yeah yeahs. it's a good way to wake up.

there's this little baby beast that lives with us. periodically matthew and i have an impromptu meeting to compare notes on the beast's progress. last night we were jamming about him. i was like, does he ever bite you? and mk says, 'no, only if i'm putting food in his mouth. he won't accept the size of the bite that i am offering, so he keeps moving his head forward trying to cram more in there... then he bites me'. i thought that was a pretty accurate description. why's he want such a huge bite? is it a survival mechanism? big last bite every time? but for me, the gila doesn't bite me only when i feed him. he will come up to my leg and grab it with both hands and bite into it. he won't really give hugs or kisses... but sometimes he will just lay down. or let you massage him. or just lounge against you and rest a moment.

a book full of cheese

you know, my friend brian is a serious contender. you can't really argue with him at all! he just has a force behind him when he speaks. and when he told me i have to rally the troops, i have to get the boy out of the house each day, several times a day even... i just couldn't really find my usual excuses. it's the timbre? the volume? the rationality? i'm not sure. a combination i guess.

we watched the diving bell and the butterfly- holy crap is that some full on emotional... engrossing... out of body experience. it's like a dose of reality, like a dose of falling out of a building and hitting the pavement type of reality. or something. it's just so true. have you seen it? maybe you thought you would cry, and it would be too sad. but it's just beautiful. there's that part about the beirut hostage, and how you have to find the humanity inside of you and hang on to it? like repeating your history lessons or writing a novel? and you have to wait. and the waiting is what is so hard. and um. and all you have is your memory and your imagination.

my friend carrie is being forced to read the 7 habits of successful people for work! she hates it. i read it a while back when i began my quest for a better attitude on life... and i agreed! it's a crap book we decided. full of useless charts and christianity and things.

i'm going to go out in the yard and join my hus for some beers. that's pretty awesome to not run out of beers and it's sunday! there's some children in front of our house screaming and playing. it shouldn't bug me... but it does! they just sound so scary with all that yelling.

did you know that brooklyn has it's own lager? and it's also got special wild parrots? and there's a crazy bamboo that is holding the entire burrough together? there's so much to brooklyn, that's what i'm trying to tell you. we have so much to offer you. our pals came out here to party- they flew on a jet plane from detroit! they did a little stuff in manhattan, but they decided their hearts were really here in kings county. and that's where they drank and explored and got lost and found flea markets for a few days. days of strange ever changing weather! it was cold and drizzly and it rained and then was hot and sunny, all with in a short time!

well, they liked it, and you would too if you just gave it a chance.

there's so many awesome things about you

i may as well have been in sturgeon bay today i saw so many ug-mos.

casanova

oh yo yo yo yo!

it's saturday night

and i'm gonna slick back my hair and go back in time and i'm going to be someone else and i'm going to rock your balls off

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oq80kK2rajk&feature=related

a comfortable volume

you know what? i heard that you need to take care of yourself. and you need to put your oxygen mask on first. and you can't help no one unless you help yo'self first. and that makes sense. i've been doing nice things for myself, ya know, healthy things. but then i started to think... do i do anything for anyone else? i'm not sure what i am supposed to do exactly. i try to keep the peace. and be loving. but is there more to give? and what is it?

walkin in the hood is for your own good

what is up yo!

i am dog tired. me and the hus forgot to take an afternoon nap and now it's time to pay the price.

throw your hands in the air!

listen to this ok- my friend went to school for computer engineering. and she made lots of money doing it. and lately that's all i can think about-- being responsible and making money. makin it happen cap'ain. and she decided she would rather do anything else than sit in an office. i just can't believe my ears! this talented and educated and traveled girl-woman be workin' at the frozen yogurt stand and she thinks that's better than a desk. it kind of throws my whole world order out of whack! why am i so freaked out about money and success? when it's really just choices.

my other friend, don't tell anyone, but she's crazy. just a LITTLE crazy. and confused. and it's like looking in a mirror! and i wondered and wondered about it. and i thought to myself... maybe it's not that we're so out of it and retarded... maybe it's just that we don't fit in with society. and the battling with society is so tiresome and beats us over the head all the time with the materialistic types of messages... you can't help but get confused.

it's like trying a round peg trying to square itself into a square all day long.

exhausting!

and the world just gets more and more muddled.

lately i've been obsessed with these gold nameplate necklaces that everyone on earth seems to have. they have them on their ears sometimes too. or on their rings even. and i was thinking about it, and i thought, even if i had the money to waste on that, if the rent was paid and we had extra to just turn into gold-- do you think that it's wrong? i think of all the gold out there on peoples jewelry and watches... it just seems like a sin. a tempting sin!

remember kanye west? he was rappin about how all the gold and diamonds people wear here was stolen from ghana and mali... and their ancestors and all that... and it just doesn't seem to click when you got a trend going on. the contradictory messages and information... what's cool is what's what. not where it came from, how it got here, what it's made out of, or if it's a carcinogen.

tomorrow is possibly gonna rain. and tomorrow is our scheduled outdoors rendezvous. tea party. croquet games.

we'll see.

big ones

you! ha ha! i am so wasted! the little burger is sleeping. we were together for 12 hours minus his little tiny naps. he didn't FEEL LIKE NAPPING!!!! hello! my life is so weird right now. i guess we all go thru phases and things. right now, i just have to deal with this. this is all i can do.

last night we were talking- even when matthew is doing nothing at work- which is a nice little mind break- he still can't do anything other. he can't be at home or building a table or having a cook out. and when you are biking home you can't be reading a book.

there's this thing he told me once about "dedicated machinery" or somethin like that. it's when you can't have a combination drill-dvd-microwave oven. it can only do one thing. and it does it real good. and that is important he said, so shy away from someone selling you a combo. a combo can't do even one thing right.

so i have been thinking about all this. with my distracted mind. i have been thinking about one thing at a time. and one phase at a time.

when i was a kid... i would say 13-15 years old.... i had this huge fight with my BFF. maggie was her name. and i just didn't believe that people changed. i think we had watched a thing at school about criminals going all gahd. and being totally different. it just looked fake and lame. but now i'm not sure. i think we have so much capacity to change. but you know...

i made dinner tonight. and it wasn't that bad. it wasn't at all like that frozen limp dish that i made last time. so that's a start.

you got to start somewhere.

up your butt

SOMEBODY is always pissed at me! SO and SO complains all day long.
i have been making an effort since sunday to be loving and patient and try to be at one with the world. i get mad at axel begging for my attention, he whines and pulls my pants down, then i snap! snap snap at axel and i have to get back to being a nice person. it's hard! that's why i drink.

you know those dove commercials celebrating all the varieties of natural beauty? it's like a giant dove commercial here. every kind of babe up in your face. they call it babe city for a reason around here, it's nuts. everywhere you look. it's like you could walk into walls and trip over curbs. and some a these ladies, they wear such scandalous clothing! i can't get over that everyone has accepted leggings and tights as appropriate pants. it doesn't matter if you are a mother or haven't gotten any exercise in a decade... it's for everyone. except me. and except axel-- he likes to go with either a bib and a diaper, or socks and a diaper. keep it simple he says. don't over accessorize.

i had a celebrity sighting!! it's been FOREVER since i spotted a celebrity. about 6-8 months ago maggie gylenhall was outside of the store i worked at! and that was neat. and yesterday i saw parker posey sitting in washington square shootin the shit with her peeps. isn't that somethin?! i wish i saw someone famous once a week. that would feel glamorous.

for all of humanity

recently i saw that there was an art show. it was an art show for this SVA program that i would have applied for if i were a millionaire and could toss loads of money around on whatevers all day long. it said "tuesday may 5th" or something like that, and i clicked on my computer's upper right hand corner to see what the date was while i was reading. it was a match! usually i click on the date and i am a few months too late for the even that i am reading about. this was an unusual and miraculous sort of sign! so axel and i got strapped into our hover craft baby bjorn machine with our extra snacks and diapers and paraphernalia...

the first mistake i made was to get out of the train about 60 blocks south east of my destination. i had gotten the address but not the cross streets. we sure sweated as we hiked over to new jersey or wherever the show was. we got to the building and for a tuesday night this place was packed... there were even tons of other babies there! axel didn't know what to think. i hurried around and i stood outside and admired the view. we was on the 12th floor on the west side! that was surely worth the dehydration i suffered walking so far.

the art... i shouldn't say anything about it. i mean, how can i judge something i could barely see? there were millions of people and i couldn't really look at anything. so i can't say that it was as disappointing as i thought it was... maybe i should go back during the day sometime when no one is there. it just didn't seem at all promising... even if it wasn't such a long ways away, i don't think it's worth the trip. am i mean? it's a program that i was daydreaming i could go to. but i think that's always a good lesson to learn. the training isn't really at the school. it's the time you put into it.

practice makes perfect!

and you has to start somewhere.

these kids whoever they are, they are starting out. they are pre-emerging artists. and it's just not so lovable. SVA can't make you good. it's like... the decades or something. that's what makes you good. if you keep at it.

maybe.

going crooked

oh ya know. sometimes it's just too much. who can afford to take care of things like teeth? i had this sort of overlapping buck teeth thing going when i was in like 8th grade? they were cute i thought. my parents got me braces, and i thought, braces?! how is that better looking than crossed teeth? i mean come on people! this is a mistake!

the braces were only on like... less than 2 years. it wasn't a good look, especially with tuna salad stuck in them, but i always chose hot pink rubber bands, and that made me feel special. they came off pretty quick. the clinic put these metal bars on the back of my teeth to hold them in place. that didn't seem like a bad idea, you don't want to waste your parents' money going all crooked again right away.

about 5 years after the braces came off i had this loose piece of wire and it was driving me nuts! it finally just broke off. another piece came off a while after that. this year the last bit was loose and matthew pulled it out of my mouth with a pliers. what a guy! he probably pulled that wire off less than 6 months ago and the teeth are starting to move already. the teeth!

a few years ago i had gum surgery, have you ever heard of such a thing? they said maybe because of the braces shifting my teeth around and dancing them around in the holes where they grew- it pissed off my gums and they started dying or receding or something. so braces, they are a whole package of fun. they are ugly while on you, they leave little wires to break off for years to come, they wreck your gums, and then eventually your teeth go back the way they were.

my darling hus had to have braces for years! i think he said 15 years. he would have a growth spurt and they would say "oh no! gotta fix 'em again!". this other guy i know, he's technically my dad, he was little and they gave him some kind of crazy retainer called a tongue cradle. it had spikes on it. that's what he told me! i don't know. he hated it and never wore it. when he was 40 he did a trade with an orthodontist! he did tree work in exchange for braces. he was so happy, and now he smiles instead of hiding his teeth.

i never thought having them straight was so wonderful. clean, yes, that is important. and if you have a dad for a dentist- like erika wilson- then you have the whitest and cutest smile. have you seen a smile with little extra white spots? she had those little spots of extra white- i think they are calcium?

well. i know that not everyone appreciates the charm of a snaggle tooth or a couple of twisted and hugging chompers... but i just don't know what the point is in fighting that battle. i think it's just another racket.

duck what you word

don't you boss my honkey honkey

if you asked me a question... what could i do! i would tell you the truth, but it wouldn't be some kind of universal truth. it would just be honestly right now. from the top of my head, you know.

me? i've been trying to chillax. i've been trying so hard to not get totally immobilized by anxiety. what the hell IS anxiety, anyways??? it's this thing... it's this thing that i fight... that has this death grip on me. yesterday i sat and wallowed in it for a few seconds. it was kind of funny all of a sudden. so i made a list of questions and wrote "true or false?" after each one. i can't think of any examples right now. i can find them and post them if you want.

speaking of your opinions: which do you like better-- "cave men, cave people" or "cave men, cave feelings" ??

my brother! have i mentioned him lately? i might try to get him to renew his passport tomorrow. we are supposed to hang out. and i thought that would be a productive use of our time together. he has this chance to go to italy. can you f&^%ing believe that?? it's for real... but if you know this guy... my little bro... you know that he has no bank account. and no phone. and rolls out of bed at 1 in the afternoon for golly's sake! so i'm hoping that he doesn't miss his chance to fly on over to where they invented all the good foods.

in other news, there's this girl i know, and she knows a celebrity. and i want to abuse this connection so badly! do you think there is anyway that i could even try to abuse it? without totally abusing it? i mean... it would just make me feel so incredibly cool if i knew that my bud could slip some of my comics to somebody famous. it gives me tickles just thinking about it.

maybe that's where i should live!

in fantasy land.

where you get the tickles and everything is fun, instead of that sick feeling of being under siege by everything on earth.

take your time

this is one of my favorite calvin and hobbes!
it's just like art, in my opinion.
just doing it because it's so fun and hilarious,
even if no body else hardly ever agrees with you.

dirty kitchen

what if you had a daughter!






if this don't make you cry then i question if you have feelings:
http://www.onnetworks.com/videos/smart-girls-at-the-party/the-gardener-valentine?autoplay=true

mo money mo problems

oh woodhull hospital
it was my third time to visit you
the first i wrote about already... my trip to the e.r.
which i am still wondering how to pay for
the second was to try to haggle with them about the bill
that wasn't the worst or longest wait in the world
and the third,
the classic,
was the most torturous adventure to date
far worse than the er!
it wasn't quite as long... only 5 hours instead of 8...
it was a few hours shorter...
but there was just something so terrible about it.

we were all in line for medicaid.
there was one line that had people holding numbers
and another line of people that were waiting to have their names called.
i would say 33-50 people at a time were waiting.
people would give up once in a while
or leave to make a call or eat something
we were mostly camped out patiently
children
babies
old people
trying different strategies to pass the time

it was a really awful time.
an anxiety attack producing time.

but when it was finally over and i got home
i was never more thankful to be here
to be so lucky!
this is where i belong, and i never want to leave again, but i suppose i will have to do other terrible chores in the future...
but to come home to these two lovely chaps
these wonderful couple of guys
i just can't even believe it

and maybe i should be thanking the uncaring terrors at medicaid for reminding me what matters

but also
they were confusing me
because it makes me think...
wouldn't it be easier to be rich?
and just buy everything instead of begging for change and rejection and misery at the medicaid office?

all of these services to "help" you
when really they just ignore you until you go away
and if you can stomach it and pass the test then you win some healthcare or treatment

my new friend that i made, this guy on the train,
he was at some place for a bad tooth
he waited from 7am until 1pm and they just wanted him to go away
but he stayed
and i just would like to scream sometimes
it's so unfair

but maybe
maybe money isn't real
you don't have to pay your bills
and if they can't catch you,
you win!

so it's better to be poor than rich
and have time with your family
and appreciate things

things like not starving

some people is starving, and i tend to forget that

how much worse things could be

sometimes i don't realize how little separates you from the streets and no food or heat or showers

or a can of cold moldy beans on the road

late night at the cracker factory

unbreakable

the lake... i miss the lake. you know lake michigan? that thing.

what about life, huh! it's something else. i was thinking about my brain compared to a coffee maker... the french press kind: when trying to meditate i wish i could just clamp down on the plunger and sift all my stupid thinking and crap and just smash it down and stop it. contain it. sift it. smush it.

we're having an art party! a comic book party! me and this crazy girl. she said that it needs to be on june 6th- and when that day is here- what's done is done. ran out of time, time's up. turn it in, and just close your eyes and hope for the best! just race to get done what you can! we're on a rollercoaster ride taking frantic notes, try to get it down before your shift starts/baby cries/laundo time/train arrives...

matthew "slept in" until like 8 am today. but axel was whining so loud- it probably wasn't so much sleeping as "laying there". resting. for a second.

revelations: gwenyth paltrow says you have a love affair with your children for a few years, then they are in school and crap and you don't see them all day. you break up with them. you move on.

yesterday i didn't have my routine. i like my routine! but i also liked having a different adventure. we went to the park and i met a really sweet mom and baby. we walked around and it was hot. it was so much stimulation for the eyeballs!! i tried to get photos, but they simply couldn't capture it. there was a tuba and kite flying and millions of people. fashion show people all over town.

i can't tell you any more right now.

later.

wait for later, love t

miss california

oh!! hell no!

how are you?

are you excited for the pagan pig roast wedding in door county this summer? i simply can't wait. if you weren't invited... don't be blue... i bet you $9 that if you bring a keg of beer you can party with everyone until dawn. you will be one of the family! a part of the gang! you can toss the groom in the bay!

do you ever just want to spend a shit load of money? do you ever just want a whole list of things, and you are just looking around everywhere in case there's a pile or a wad or a chunk of change or like a stash of dough or some shit? i got a list as long as your leg, homeboy. i want like 7 nail polishes. and i don't even know why. i just want them, because of the color of them. because one of them is THE best color, or close to it. and it's happiness inducing. i want really expensive boots. for no good reason, just that i do. it seems like it could fill a void in my life, and put some spark in my step. i want cherry red socks. i want everything.

axel is purring sorta like a kitten, he's saying "raaaraaaraaraaa" in this really sweet high voice. it is cute as crap. PS axel is now known as "homeboy"... so address him accordingly. he doesn't have a penny, but this morning he told me he had his mind on his money and his money on his mind. today we went to the play ground and it wasn't too bad. it was fun, it was not really playing like you think though... cuz he's still like this little baby kinda. he sits there. he crawls around. he gets hungry. he wants to be picked up. it was fun to talk to some peeps! there is a cool dad with a baby named gavin! there was a really funny mom running and playing with her kids. there was a hero for axel who was running around like a crazy person. a new best friend for me named "chris" if i ever see her and baby eli again. where is homeboy now you are wondering, it's almost 4pm, so you know he ain't sleeping. well guess what! i locked him up! he's in a play pen. and he hasn't complained for like 5 minutes. so that is sweet.

what else is going on? are you overwhelmed by life and the daily obstacles and the long term goals and the bills and the to-do's. the ta-dum to-dos. do you go to the library?

love big t

use that old imaginitivation!!

here is the article i tried to get you to read... the one about relationship issues! it is really good, i swear. even if you are a lonely hermit in the woods, you should still read it. because it's kind of about acknowledging the fact that the place that you come at the world from... the place in your brain... it interprets things in a typical way... no matter what situation you are in! you are always filtering things and in a lot of cases... it's not a sincere way of listening to people speak because you often are only hearing things the way... the way you think they are saying them. you might finish the story in your head before they are done talking. for example. you might be guessing what they story is before they are even getting the words out. you might be selectively hearing because you are always on the defense. because you have a giant chip on your shoulder? or a smallish one? for example? so i really liked the article. and the end of it says some stuff about how things don't necessarily change or get better- that's why you have to "reframe" the problem and have a "positive" "attitude" about "things" and "stuff".

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-4782.html

bent out of shape

help a brother out!

sort them please.

i don't know... should i get ACT scores over the phone for 38 bucks?? it would get me out of the placement tests. and those are an hour away from my house, plus i would need to get a baby sitter. so maybe it's worthwhile. unless my scores weren't high enough in the first place to get me out of the tests. in that case i'm kind of screwed. cuz they won't tell you on the phone what the scores are! even if you pay!

runner's world magazine says not to get down on yourself if you miss practice sometimes. you need to focus on all the good, on all the positive, on all the times you make it.

it's hard to think being distracted by axel all the time. i try to think outside the box, you know, when it comes to entertaining or watching him? i try not to be totally lazy about it. doesn't it seem sometimes like the box is so huge and invisible, you don't even realize you're in it? for the past few weeks we've been tying the cupboards closed. it seemed a lot easier than piling everything on the counters so that axel could play wherever he wanted and have free reign. maybe it's just a new novelty because it's been tied up for so long, but he has been very contentedly playing... alone... banging pots and pans... for a few minutes at least! little dude likes it. so maybe i just need to periodically pile everything out of his reach.

b.f.d.

criminally insane?

a man of few words

a bag of beans

fresh orange peels

haunted, sometimes i feel haunted. my idol, lynda barry, has a great book called 100 demons. each story is one of her demons that haunts her. and purging them feels good! that's what she says. there's a story about when she was little, she loved this one column in the newspaper. it was one of those columns about like better home + garden type of stuff. she was a dorky little kid and she would write all these letters to the lady, "hey gals did you ever wonder...". so i often think of that quote in my head. in sort of a high pitched enthusiastic voice.

hey gals! did ya ever wonder... why men are obsessed with sex and then it's our problem too because they have the problem and then they make it our problem?

little axel is being held captive all day long because the house isn't child proofed. he no likey! he is an active boy who likes to destroy everything in sight. his nose is dripping constantly. and he even has a little cough! oh no! it's the worst. i have to carry him around all the time cuz he feels so blue. he is so whiney it is hard to be patient with him. you forget that he is hurting and you feel like he's just tormenting you and driving you nuts and being an asshole for no reason. but there is a reason!! i blame the teeth.

i was reading adbusters about educating kids and keeping them aware and seeing thru the media. but what if they just never SEE no media?! is that the solution?! there was one letter about this special school where the kids pursue their interests and blah blah. it had no name or town. is it a real thing? does it exist? are you able to blossom, but then you get out of school to see the grim reality and then your head explodes and you can't interact with all the regular zombies?

we were in line today at the grocery store, me and this little baby axel, and i saw this magazine called psychology today. have you ever seen it? i bought it, and it is really pretty good. there were lots of fascinating things in there. for depression all of the different articles brought up these things: sleeping plenty each night, cutting out alcohol, exercising, meditating and pursuing any creative release (even just keeping long journals or something). they said that just exercising 3 days per week is the equivalent of taking an anti-depressant. but that you need more than that.

i always go back and forth about my brainsicles. i think, hey these are some terrific things to share! or i read some great article and i think, see- it's important to put out your stories because when it hits home with someone, that is wonderful! it's a good thing! and it doesn't matter if the same revelations are re-framed over and over. the same few epiphanies are always brought up... well... that's just life. you always need someone to keep you going. you always forget the epiphany. lately i keep asking my hus to look at comics and it doesn't happen. he might be afraid that we will just argue about them. i am looking for someone to sort them not tell me other better things to do... maybe it's not him to do that. but maybe it is!!!

in the psychology today magazine that i got today? it had an AMAZING article about relationships and how to deal with the arguments that come up. the same thing every time. we rarely fight... but it's always the same fight! if you have a partner in crime you should totally check it out.

sweep it up

crack that back

swing your arms

jigga jigga, whaaat?

spring?!






can't remember anything it is starting to really worry me.
thought of a hilarious joke and now i forgot. thought of the perfect mantra and now i forgot.

you know what, music is neat. music makes things much funner. like a party. it's been years since i really was into music. i don't have a car to rock out in, ya know? i have axel requiring my attention so i don't walk around like a robot with my i-pod ears like everyone else here. but since i started running again, i like music again! i was listening to matthew's thunderdrums music -- he's got this pow wow stuff-- and i used to make fun. i mean i was kidding, i was joshing him that it was the worst music ever, but i suppose i was kind of serious-- because that shit is all crazy screaming and yodeling and crap. but listen-- it is really cool stuff. in a way i guess it's like any music, my mom probably didn't feel it when i was dancing in the kitchen to the pixies. that's a lot a noise, too. these thunderdrums, it was rocking me out as i was running, it's background noise yet not... it's propelling you but not interfering with your brainsicles.

i'm trying to draw a picture about couple-dom. about suffocating each other on accident. it's like this image of one person working on something at a table and the other person is looking right over their shoulder right in their face. the person is like "hey man, can't you step away, there is tons of room everywhere else, you can go ANYWHERE just give me some room here". and the person who is in their face is like, oh shit, i didn't realize. i thought you were suffocating me but it was really me that was standing too close. i thought i was tied to this spot. i forgot there was a whole wide world out there for me to mess with. experiment with.

things is weird. maybe especially with artists? i mean it's this private thing that you do. and it's public because it's art, but it's also not. and you think somehow what everyone else is doing, especially your partner, that they are encroaching on your decrees by whatever they are doing. not even that they stole your idea, just that general influence that they have. if they are on a roll, you might feel that they are stealing your thunder.

think about frida kahlo! i heard that she and diego had separate houses.

my grandma! her name is lois. she is so amazing. she says she doesn't feel old. is she 78? she says she can't believe she is so old. she says she just blinked and everything happened. i kiss axel's baby hands and i know that someday he might be a giant stranger man living in my house. i hope that it doesn't go down like that. i really want to create a wonderful delightful independent guy. a guy that still is comfortable and not like... don't touch me or look at me or talk to me.

begin at the beginning...

the life force!

"i worry-- but i just don't care" says mk

there was some buddhist thing that i read... this man was like a guru guy. he had this big speech and everyone came. he said, "do you want to know my secret?" and everyone screamed "yes! yes! yes!!". and he said "i don't care what happens".

you only get once, says henry at matthew's job. you can't take it with you, says dell.

oh sister, oh brother

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

hanging brain

it's called hanging brain! there's no law against it. i do it all the time.

ho, boy. i'm sitting here drinking cold coffee and talkin' to you. i'm talkin to you, fella!

last night we were getting dinner ready and my darling husband said "play that paul simon video again!". and i did. and it always really makes me want to cry. it's so pretty and sad... and i just feel like this guy was dumped in such a sly maneuver! she says she wants to help him in his quest to be free. it's really mean, but it's funny, too. we watched it....

http://katielewis.ca/2008/12/21/50-ways-to-leave-your-lover/

and then matthew wanted to look up more paul simon videos. it was such an adventure! the first to come up was this wonderful show in africa. i just couldn't believe it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OafqYNCzq5U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXgQtL3aEmQ

lately i have been in a better headspace. and by lately i mean since friday night. i met this girl and she was listening to me sorta spout off about my tribulations. i know that it is petty and embarrassing- but i just interpret things in a shitty way most of the time. in reality there is a mix of good and bad, right? pros and cons. but i tend to focus 110% on the problems and obstacles. not in fixing them, just in lamenting them. in like... shaking my fists at the sky and saying "why god why?!". and then gahd looks down and is like, what up dawg, and i'm like "why why why". and he's like, what are these little peanuts you are complaining about? get some real problems! ha ha! anyway, gina looked down at me, like god, and she told me that i had a great life. that i sounded really lucky. i felt like the biggest jerk, and i was so shocked into my bones! why am i such a complainer. i'm not sure. is it a white girl guilty complex, can't let ourselves be happy cuz it's too pompous? too easy? i feel like i resist any thing that seems fake. like i think that being miserable is less fake. it's not true... it's really not. and it's interesting, that saying fake it til you make it, they did research on it. it's proven to work. if you go to work and you are being nice to everyone, trying to be pleasant, it turns your day right around. you feel better. so what is fake. what is happy. why don't i just feel so thankful for everything!!

and you all still haven't come up with a singing zinger of a mantra, i know you have some. something like keep on keepin' on, only better. something like, paul simon, something like, i'm going to graceland. something like everyone was your mother in a past life. like watching axel learning to walk. he was standing there and decided he would do some flamingo hopping. he decided that it didn't matter if he knew how to walk yet or not. there's probably no order to anything! go ahead and test the limits. hurt yourself because you don't know what you are capable of.

something like be like, be like sarah haskins! geez, last night we sat on the sofa and watched nearly every possible episode of her show on here:

http://current.com/topics/88794117/sarah_haskins/new/0.htm

until we were comas.

sincerely, truen kirk

peanut

i love the strokes, i love the yeah yeah yeahs. i didn't think i'd be into either of them cuz they seemed so pop, so trendy. oh well, they rock, and i like it. i like sleater kinney. i'm sad they broke up.

what do you like? what's on your mindgrapes? what do you do?

do you ever go around trying to make friends? i've been carrying around calling cards lately... in case i have the courage to give them to some one. like other young parents or something.

today is raining. today i chased axel all around the house! today i made something on the stove, and it wasn't half bad. what else... i just was thinking. i was just wondering. one thing i wanted to ask you: do you have any helpful mantra type thingies i could have? i was trying to come up with one, but they were all unacceptable. rejected: it will be ok, you are fine, it's funny if you think about it. it will be allright. while looking for life advice and crap on the internet today i found this david deida's website? that is something weird. and this lady LiYana Silver has a blog and website that are something. something. if you look them up you need to tell me what you thought.

love t

on the look out for genius

hey you! ha ha! my casserole absolutely did NOT turn out. at all. i'm not giving up on life, yet, but it was a terrible experience. it was a limp stew medley. it was a cold wet mush. it was, as matthew so gently described, "like eating death and having it consume you in the most intolerable way". or something to that effect. it's like... it's that unacceptable feeling of wet soggy cold broccoli. it's that exactly.

in other news, i was thinking of reinventing myself. how about that! i am going to be all about domestical bliss. from here on out. instead of being completely dissatisfied and uncomfortable with the whole... cooking cleaning shopping lifestyle... i instead will embrace it. it's like that evil bully at school? that kid that you fucking hate? and it's horrible? but suddenly you decide you are friends! you have so much in common after all!

this could work!

you know those articles in magazines, they give you tips on how to clean for 15 minutes each day. how to clean the shower as you pee and brush your teeth. how to grow an extra arm and get it all done twice as fast. how to cook a meal in 25 seconds. how to get your shopping done while getting your bikini waxed. finally i can be one of those people, except even MORE organized.

it must be destiny- i just applied for a job at the container store. i feel like tina fey right now. oh well.

attempts

i am not a stunt man... but sometimes the things that i try to do in a kitchen feel totally scary and wrong. i am trying to bake a casserole right now. i would say there is a 50-50 shot that it will come out allright. here's hoping!

bright lights

sunshine! sunshine makes me feel so much better. and i like a few happy hour brooklyn lagers. that's a nice afternoon for me.

this morning i had the worst dream. i had axel in a box, i was really busy trying on clothes at a store! i kept trying to keep the lid on him but he would stick his head out. then i left the store and forgot him. i remembered hours later, and called to see if anyone knew where he went. terrible.

in real life he is chewing on a frozen fruit bar. his teeth are killing him!

later we are going to the park.

you got it

hello, hello... hello there.

the spaghetti monster

things awry... askew! everything awry and then askew. askewed? i askewed you a question!

this is not a democracy! this is no democracy!

off the cuff, sure enough, isn't that fun?

do you love xtina aguilera? isn't she inspirational, i mean, she just rocks it out, she just shakes it up, she just does what she does. like a foot ball player throwing a ball in the air, you just do what you like. you don't have to think so much about it and feel all stupid about it. pop music. blogs. bitches. drinking at noon. geez. i like reading david sedaris stories over and over. and sleeping.

the baby- we have this baby, and he's been really troublesome lately! he's only been sleeping like fifteen minutes and he thinks he is ready for the day? i don't think so!

what is a running feast? everyone wants to know! well, to begin, i was eating and drinking coffee. i was doing this most of the day, but put it into high gear for some reason right before i was supposed to go for a run. maybe i was trying to calm my anxiety about running? it's not something that i always feel prepared for. especially since i'm just starting out again, after like 3 years. my darling hus, my champion, my human shield, he was walking out the door with the baby, they were headed to the park. they were leaving me to my ambitions. as the door closed he shouted, "have a good time! enjoy your running feast!".

i keep forgetting to ask my grandma lois, what is that one saying, it's not road worn and weary... it's like when you see someone that looks to have had a very hard life. a rough and tumble sort of abused look to them. i think she says something like road used and put away wet. that is hilarious!

you know, you are right... it's true! i do regret it. i mean, i MIGHT regret it. i do kind of regret that.
of course i regret it!

human shield

babe city

no fair! i created this term, babe city, and now everyone goes around using it like THEY invented it. and they didn't. oh no they di-n-t. it's spring here, and everyone is in pain because of it. it really hurts! the fever! you get one little ray of sun and you think it's time to shed your clothes, but it ain't. and no one has formed the proper protective boob callouses over their eye balls yet... it's like... being assaulted. it's like being eye-raped right in the eyes and you just have to sit there and take it. it's like being um. and another thing! you think winter is over, right, that it won't turn grey all day long for a week, but then it does. it does just that, sir! it's a torment, it's lady luck or someone just messing with us. in conclusion: i coined babe city. I DID!

a big blur

send your cake to spain

hips are made for something, that's just what they'll do. you know how archeologists dig up skeletons? and they know if you're a girl or boy, and if you had a baby? well, my hips are like... broken... and i blame having a baby, i do. maybe it's our saggy mattress but who knows. and do you have ankles? well, i have a broken pair of those, too! it was all the straining and kicking to get that baby out! it's been a year. maybe it takes a year. let the healing begin!

running! what about running. what do you like to do for exercise? lay on the couch? i am kind of lazy. but i found that whenever i have a treadmill in proximity, i use it. i really abuse it! and that is good! i always dream of things like kickboxing or meditating or yoganating. but listen, dreams are dreams! if the things you dream aren't happening, if you can't get it going, then fuck it. that's what i say. find something that's practical that you can do. i never had a runner's high before- just the other day was the first and only so far- i hadn't run for like 2 years. about 10 minutes went by and i couldn't believe i wasn't gasping and choking and dying and spitting! i got so incredibly happy and excited and kick ass crazy wonderful feeling... it was something else. it really was! i was like "this is what rock and roll is! this is what it means to be alive! this is what i need to do forever!". i know there's no cure, per se. i know it's like, you got to get up every day. like that liz phair cd! that white chocolate space egg shit? you got to listen to that. listen to it for a few weeks and let it sink in. she talks about how you have to get up every single day. and man. she means it.

there's this girl little k, you might have met her, she is really outstanding. she is the most sparkling lovely light in the world.

this morning we went to the art supply store. what an adventure! i bought 5 pens. i was inspecting them and admiring them and holding them... and i noticed that a lot of them were made in japan! i looked and looked and discovered-- ALL my pens were made in japan! i want to go to there.

fluff me? no fluff you!!

what the fluff is happening mother fluffer? it's fluffing 60 degrees out today. we're having people over. i don't even know why! usually i stress out about that kind of thing. i clean and worry. my mom is here, she is the cleaning/worrier instead of me. i looked over at her and she was looking really concentrated and furrowed browed, and she said "i think we need to make some veggie pizza". very serious. she's a regular martha stewart!

i wish you could come! i wish you'd bring beer and cookies.

name him ned

in this economy! in this economy?
wasting food in this ecomonomony? getting prostitutes in these ecomoni?
growing beets in this economy? taking showers and using heat and...

i think that people are only ever going to wake up when they have to, and it's kind of funny in a way. as soon as there's extras, they don't care any more. as soon as they got some money, they don't care about anyone else. just yesterday we were talking, my mom and me, and she was telling me how she'd spend her lottery. it's all so really modest, and kind, and sort of logical... a few quality investments/improvements/experiences and then your 6 million is gone.

why is it that people are so naughty? but maybe it doesn't matter because when you have no choice- depression era- apopolypses type events- you can't waste and it's not an issue anymore. it's just kind of sad or twisted that it HAS to get to that point for people to even care.

les savy fav

would you like to read some random treasures that we had written on envelopes and snippets of paper in the kitchen? these are them:

well is mrs jeff as wonderful?

farts and jokes and blah blah blah

cathy y rodrigues

i always think im a huge contributor to society. i always think i'm like a shining light.

chimp train. furious george.

well when we moved here it SUCKED. ha ha. every time we took the subway we'd have this conversation-- "i'm gonna jump in front of the train." "no, im gonna push you." "fine! just do it!".

i wouldn't blame her for being gay!

cubism is like... i mean look at cave paintings. they were all flat and 2 dimensional. even picasso is unoriginal.

i'm trying to picture a party being thrown by the woman we know as "the hair".

(things that are different with axel, things that you kind of are surprised by). "i was at planned parenthood and had to check yes at the 'have you given childbirth' question". "i know i have to wear this dumb helmet cuz i have a little dude depending on me!.... and we got 1000 for tax refund!".

he's got to learn!

back in the day they stayed warm with their totally high tech petticoats.

if i only had long hair and washboard abs.

a fair share of monkeys.

beard wig!

learning thurber

lightning

rage! violence!

where does it come from? do you ever just obsess with hatred? and you can't get your head out of it? this guy tolle, he says that ducks get pissed off. but then they shake their feathers for a second, just kind of spaz their feathers, and that anger energy just gets burned up with that spazzing. that's all, it's over after that. not me motherfucker! screaming! make her cry one more time dick wad! go ahead! i'll stab you in the face.

why do i even care? like i can create any kind of justice. like i can judge anything or fix anything.

like i can fix anything without a bow and arrow, that's what i meant. that's what i just realized i'm lacking!
HOW CAN YOU CREATE JUSTICE WITH OUT ARROWS?!?!

fred bear! cajun style!

talking heads is best

we danced! oh did we dance! and we laughed! we really did!

what about spring, huh, i mean... what IS it about spring? it's the fever. it's a smell in the air. it's the light that changes!! it changes everything. when we moved into this apartment, it was march 1st last year. i was in the hospital with the newly born axe man. when i actually arrived in the new apartment, with the baby, in a cab, mysteriously all of our belongings were here in the apartment! unpacked! there was a table made out of bins. and 2 chairs that my mom and hus carried threw the subway system from fort greene. it was like a crazy dream, and there was this crazy spring fever weather to boot.

a year ago we were in the yard- it was dirt and clumps of concrete. we sat in these camp chairs that we got from matt's work. we just looked around. we tried to clean up the dirt. and i couldn't believe we were in this apartment, that we can't afford really, this huge place... it has a yard !! ahhH! we're still here. and it's finally looking less like camping and more like a house... a love nest! thanks to my mom, she painted and decorated and found 4 more chairs. oh geez.

moms, right! julie says her mom maybe isn't in denial, that it's hard to know what goes on in a mom's mind. it's this kid thing, where we think that we know, that we relate, that we are seeing the same world. but that's not really true! they are older and they have a different agenda. she says it's like... they are just focused, focused on the larger picture, they don't care so much about these little battles, about losing many or all of them. they look at the big idea. they try to get from here to there. they just are trying to cope and deal and get thru it all. what do you think?

is it denial? is it defending the underdog? is it coping with the gigantuan responsiblebilities for why we are the way we who we are we who me am are? i know i shouldn't meddle. it's always a terrible idea. it's always what i do. i interfere! i said, you suck. i said there is no excuse. this is the law!

i don't know much yet. i am a new mom. i suppose i will learn. julie has this insight. julie at least KNOWS she no knows. know what you don't know. or what you might not know. it's all who you know! i know jack. ha! at least i have a sense of humor about it.

one year later is our yard looking nice:

p.u.

the new standard

from the book truth and beauty, "if i was swamped by worry, i would be useless to her. it was even possible that i would desert her, and that was the thing that could never happen. i decided that night that i would take all the hours of my life that could so easily be spent worrying and instead i would try to help her. i had been raised by catholic nuns who told us in no uncertain terms that work was the path to god, and that while it was a fine thing to feel loyalty and devotion in your heart, it would be much better for everyone involved if you could find the physical manifestations of your good thoughts and see them put into action. the world is saved through deeds, not prayer, because what is prayer but a kind of worry?".

he's growing stronger every day

darling! hello! i wish i had something else, i don't.

i sent my friend something! but it won't be there for 5 days. geez. that's forever.

did you know i have a huge apartment? you can stay here almost anytime. it would be fun. my mom painted nearly every wall/surface. it looks fresh.

axel has new moves to show you. standing moves. chewing moves. going backwards down the stairs moves.

problem solving moves.

16 buttons

you know my friend black hockey jesus?

i been thinking about this one that he wrote:

http://windinyourvagina.blogspot.com/2008/11/church.html

about pushing his daughter down the street... i could do this forever... her on her bike... not having "time to myself" just doing this right here, for you.

what is boredom? is boredom zen? what is potential? i have all these things piled on my desk. they are all so full of potential. i have to keep them, i see so much in them. they remind me of everything. something specials that could be.

i was talking to tara on the phone about enduring.
accepting.
accepting the terrible things that we have to go through! ha ha! it's so spoiled of us. the atrocities we are put thru--the grocery store line. the bank line. the... commercials... the... sadness.

i told tara that i have this new idea that i pep talk myself. it might not make sense to you- even if i explain it. but i say that there's no where i'd rather be...
there's nothing better to do.
i'm right here and i don't care and it doesn't get any better than this.
and i try to understand that it could be worse!
a lot worse.
i try to accept it.

to say... what else would i be doing... it's all the same. i know this might not make any sense. or you're way more buddhist than me and you think this is easy peasy.

in barbara kingsolver's book, she has a story about driving to her home town and discovering a new route to save 20 minutes? her uncle sorta snarled at her, oh yeah? what will you do with it? that time you saved? heh? live? it's just hard to deal with the inconveniences of life! when you are always saying there's better things to do! but is there? there's really just now!! oh well.

and then with this parenting stuff! it's this feeling like i have to put everything on hold forever?

i have this babysitter now, you might know her as my mother.

i'm kind of cast aside and useless. but i don't know what to do with myself. i will be back in mom role soon, and will have forgotten how, and will be shocked at all the time i don't have, again.... like being robbed. i love little axeman! but it's so hard to not have any time to myself. there's a new movie called everlasting moments? i saw the preview and it looked good, kind of like being torn between art and real life. obligations and motherhood. all that.

being robbed! ha ha! in a really sweet way.
i think i just have so much to learn about time management. and all that. structure.

every time i think about being a grown up it's just so hard to imagine that. is that what i am now?

every litter bit hurts

oh cheese! happy butterball day! how are you? did you buy some bouquets this morn? and a top hat? and a wonka bar?

the other night i was telling matthew how my mom goes thru all my stuff.

she grew up with like 19 sisters or something, so maybe that's why. she comes by it honestly. i don't have any sisters. it's something strange that i always wondered about. these mysterious girl thingies, relationships. anywho. she finds my stashes of treasures, she opens boxes, she peeks into notebooks but says she's "not really looking". she acts as if it's just sizing things up so that she can organize it. she cleaned my bedroom! can you imagine? i'm a grown woman, and in such shambles that my mom is fixin my life. but it's not a violation, she insists. she says it's not private, she says it's nothing she ain't seen before. i guess it's not like she's not using my vibrators or sniffing them, just piling them all together in one accessible place.

matthew laughed. he said... can something be cute and violating at the same time? i mean, she's relentlessly helpful.

years ago

this was in a time capsule
this was so long ago!
this is forever repeating.

there is this thing inside of me, and it wants to be so huge...
it wants to soar around and create everything. and so few times does that even seem possible. so few times is that not the worst type of overwhelming feeling. usually i'd rather hide, fail, be buried alive.

i think about babies, about little tiny babies. i wonder what is in store for them. are we bringing them here, into all of this, for what? why? what is it all about?

today i was reading in my book. i was reading about what a fucking pussy i am. i was reading about how we don't know anything, we don't know how to struggle, we don't know what things are. i was reading this:

"Our parents' generation had to be the Greatest Generation, because the threats they faced were real, overwhelming, immediate, and inescapable- the Great Depression, the Nazis, and the nulear-armed Soviet Communists. That generation was ready to fight the Korean War and moilize for the Cold War, prcisely because it had been through the Depression and WWII. That generation understood how bad things could get."

how disconnected. how pampered and clueless and domestic and unprepared. how is it even possible? i want to fight someone. i want to fight something. i want to have some energy or purpose or resolve. i want to be alive for once.

today i was so tired. i was falling asleep while trying to read my book. in the train, under the ground. i was dressed to impress in my sleeping bag coat and man's hat. my timberlands stayed in the closet, but these sneakers? same diff.

i used to have a brother and a mother
i used to have a home

janis joplin was playing here, at my job, she was screaming! she says she has to try harder to keep her man, so he doesn't go find somebody else, and that she looked hard- she looked all over to find him- so she's got to try to keep him.
could i try a little harder? what is wrong with me? if janis, fucked up janis, could try, why can't i? what is wrong with me? who am i, my dad? who is this mess, this selfish-self sabotaging- unloving unlovable- manwich pizza. brought to you by food corporation.

i want to wail and scream and freak out like janis joplin!

i didn't know that she tried so hard.

everyone seems bored. everyone seems like they are in prisons. maybe it's all a dream.

and then i think about lynda barry. she says to waste time and materials. to make pointless drawings. did you get her book already? what it is? and then i saw this quote, my hero, tinay fey says, "what level of fame do you need to keep doing what you want? cuz i certainly don't want any more than that". and then i think about anne lamott, her book: bird by bird, and keeping your little tiny frame, looking thru your little tiny frame.

debate who. or what.

helmet camera!

i told you that one time, i saw a scuba helmet camera in that airplane magazine? it was bright yellow! i want it so bad! at first i thought it was only good for walking down the street and taking photos quick. or collecting photos of people looking at you funny cuz you have a scuba helmet camera on yr head.

BUT- check it out- i have a new and even greater reason to buy it: because then when i ride my bicycle i can take all my dream photos! i went out today on my bike... it was my 3rd time this year. i saw a lady like she was out of some old time movie, with a hat and long coat. i saw a hip mom that looked homeless or something with her derelict outfit. i saw this: garbage everywhere, blowing around, the street in a big shadow from a building.

riding bikes with matthew is fun! fun in the sun, the sun came out today and it was warm. neat! and maybe axel will ride with us someday? in a little seat on the front maybe. very slowly and cautiously. with an air horn of some sort. and many helmets. plus, skipping the subway 9 out of 10 times will be fun. real fun. and cheap. and being above ground. and being in the weather. like our old friend, aaron renier! he rode his shit everywhere, a real trooper i tell ya. you don't need the subway! beat the system.

these are the two books that i would send you, that might change your life: "flight" and "animal vegetable miracle".

and these are the post it notes that i would stick on random pages to surprise you:

hell hath no fury!

just a little whiz, that's all it is.

it's just a little pee, it doesn't bother me

in the bank!!

running from the cops?

just another day.

again... and then once again.

(under your pillow)

looking inwards...

letting it slide.

taking over.

a very hot endeavor

there was a store havin' a big huge sale. it's one of those mountain sports types of stores? like REI? i always love that kind of junk. we went there a while ago and i got a winter coat. i didn't know if i could make it thru winter with out one... with out breaking down and getting something warm and expensive. we found one, and it's been a dream! it's like a thin sleeping bag, not extremely puffy, but it's real warm. i was walking across the bridge with matthew, and it was so cold, and i was warm except for my nose... and i was thinking about the store selling all of the mountain gear to these city dwellers. it's funny to me, walking down the streets here is kind of like walking down a hallway. you want to go from A to B. you want to know why the hallway is so cold! it's not the same as being outside, for real outside. it's not like climbing a mountain.

maybe you feel the same, but with a car, you might feel like you just get in your car and drive, so it's the same idea, going from A to B. is it different? the car or the sidewalk? there's something different there. i don't know what it is though. that feeling of waiting for the car to warm up. being alone in a car. the way the light is at night in the cold! it's different...

but i just was thinking about those mysterious people out there, people that climb mountains in these coats!

they exist, right?

on our walk i was making countless notes on my phone, do you ever do that? save texts as drafts? note to self... get a job. things like that? we were talking about notes and organizing notes and how all of these are efforts... you know... making little efforts... like to carry a notebook and pen at all times. it's not a huge effort. there are bigger ones. but it's something.

you know that mitch hedburg joke about how if the pen is too far away, then he has to convince himself that the joke he just thought of isn't actually very good, cuz he knows if you don't write it down, you'll forget it?? there's plenty of people that never go around carrying a camera, a pen, little efforts. i admire the people that do these things each day.

little efforts. and bottomless pits of want.

don't do that! you can't do that!

stick in the mud.

crushed and broken

bees!
my head is bees. full of them.
or wasps, a nest of wasps.
and these are my thoughts, and ideas, and they are overwhelming in number and frantic-ness.
and if you try to catch one with your fingers, it stings you.

stick in the mud

is it your birthday? do you go to bed at 9? do you wish you did? are you a bottomless pit of want? what do you even want? or do you try to suppress wants, and suddenly you are making a little list, jotting a little want down, but they start tumbling out and snowballing and it's depressing because the scale and size of it all is insurmountable?

why is it all so exhausting?

what happened to that great idea, i knew that i should have written it down right away.

how do you spell "asshole"?

i want to make a comic blog, i need photoshop first, if you have it- please give it to me. would it be too confusing if it were a new page each day of a long comic book? it might be confusing, because if you weren't up to date you'd have to go back back back back to the beginning? well... i don't know. maybe you are smart enough to figure it out. but hopefully you're not so smart that you look down on my meanderings and say "oh come on now! that's gutter stuff!" or, "oh come now, how low-brow!".

you sir are a prince

oh bananas! i was sick, i was the last of us to get it. i thought i was immune! i thought i was a hero! i ate whatever i wanted! i thought i was invincible!

what a terrible feeling.

matthew thinks this must be the essence of parenting? working and babysitting no matter how terrible you feel?

how do you feel? i forgot to ask!

we went to the dog park and watched the dogs recently... it sure was fun. we rented a depressing movie, burn after reading. we were all so depressed about it! the whole lot of us!

in other news- i have my own personal patron! can you believe that? this lady that checks in on what i'm doing and buys stuff and says i'm "brilliant". brilliant! can you believe it? i made her repeat it. i then wrote it down and safety pinned it to my shirt. and then i vowed to NOT jump in front of the train after work as i had previously intended! brilliance like this shan't be wasted, friends!

i can't think of nothing. nothing.

wyckoff starr

julie's boyfriend is moving in with her! i wanted to show her these photos because we were talking about how you compromise when you live together-- they bring all their junk into your house and what not-- here is a nice bunch of examples of that.







i like this picture! i've seen this all over the city and i think it's funny.




first they say that having one child doesn't count as parenting, or that it barely does.

then they say that if you have one kid you might as well have two. like, what's the difference? you won't even notice! just one more plate, it's hardly any extra food, it's hardly extra nothing!

yeah right.

do you agree? comics are the hardest things! you have an idea, then you have to write it out, then you have to illustrate it. and it never comes out looking as impressive as you thought it would! it looks like it wasn't hard, but it was. everything that someone else did looks easy. but when you try to do it, you find out it's fucking work!

get that dirt off yr shoulder!

well, i finally put my shirt in the hamper.

it wasn't the sweating earlier in the day that drove me to it. back then i was walking across town with the 45 pound baby on my front... and a jacket made of geeses and bears. and propane.

i didn't consider it "dirty" just cuz i wore it for a week straight... it was when some of axel's poop ended up on my shoulder... that's where i drew the line.

functionally retarded

dmx look nice in pink

the decline of civilization...
preparing for the apocolypse feels better than saving for a 401K! what IS a 401K???

google, how awesome is google? what would i do with out it? i typed in "how to drop out of society" and it brings up the answer. the exact fucking how-to. a step by step miracle.

cooking is dead. cooking WAS dead... matthew said the radio was telling him that because of the recession people are all enrolling in cooking classes. they never learned how, just ate out or bought food in a box, but now they want to save money. and in the book "animal, vegetable, miracle" kingsolver talks about our country's lack of food culture... but how it might be coming around. people need to learn, to get educated, not just how to eat, but what to eat.

i can't cook, but i sure love to eat! and just like in kingsolver's book, i have absolutely no taste. i will eat bags of processed garbage and not know the difference, i just like it cuz it's easy and maybe it's the chewing or the filling up of my body that i like.

how do you make yourself happy? how do you change? so much is with in your control, but to actually do it, to exercise that control. to restrain yourself? i don't know. kingsolver says waiting for a watermelon to be in season, to eat local foods, and to actually WAIT, that this is possible. that this is really how it's meant to be. it's not deprivation because there is something else good that is in season, something else is here at hand. you don't have to be wanting what you can't have. you can want what's here for you, the good things.

she says you just don't need to be having everything, always. and that it's "botanically outrageous".

do you like your apartment? does it feel like home? or are ya a squatter? do you ever feel like you are camping? i am trying to embracing camping. i like to call it l u x u r y camping. i don't know where this entitlement comes from.

heyyyy... two sides! there's two sides to my life!!! matthew? he had a celebration cuz he paid off an old xray bill. he is happy because the rest of the thousands was free (community care). he was happy to pay! isn't it ironic!! but it's hard for me to appreciate/celebrate when i always come at it from the "well what about all the other bills like now we won't have enough for con ed and the phone". but mk's way is happier/healthier.

sour. it just tastes all sour up in here. holy crap! what's the matter with you?? are you on goof balls or something? and what about that mob mentality !!

first you resign yourself, then you compromise. oh boy, what IS compromise, anyways?? what is potential? have you ever felt that you were living up to your potential? no, i never felt that i was living up to my potential. never once. what are you all about, anyway? where the hell are you? you take up space. you're not the only one here.

life.... life is uncooperative. life is compromise, nothing but compromise. that's why you got to keep it busy. this one week i decided to try to go do stuff. you know, stuff, and junk. monday: laundry tuesday: greenpoint weds: theater! at night! thurs: groceries friday: museum everything was fine, and it was great to see people and things. to get out of my head. friday i was a bad mom and kept axel up wayyyyy too long. the museum is so far away from the house, we had to take THREE trains. there. and THREE trains back. so i felt bad, but it was a thing, an an an experience. so that's something.

who even could predict these things.

la solucion!

not an ideas man

can you figure it out for me! i want to print my crap, i mean, comics, at kinkos, but i am always in the red when it comes to budget... you know? money? what i am trying to tell you, is, i have no money. never did, never did. so should i sell postcards on etsy? or ask some sugar daddy to sponsor me? those professional skateboarders get sponsors. why can't a regular gal like myself?!

one time i wondered, if everyone would just give me a dollar, that would really add up.

some people need to see this

i'm sorry if this is so indulgent to fudge in your face-- but he is so cute here! ha ha! i like to call this piece, "and i was about to give up on the world!":

little santa

the can

what! hello!

i have 2 comics that i have to take to the printer... isn't that exciting?! well... it's a bit frustrating when you actually see them. when you look into their pale and too much distance between them eyes. when you see their furrowed monobrow, and their alcoholic red cheeks. and their oddly thrice broken noses and their mongoloid heads and their unusual balding patterns.

they don't LOOK like a comic book, that's what i'm saying to you. they don't SOUND like a comic book. they actually SOUND a little bit like they are on crack. that's a fact, jack.

but it's not my job to judge. it's my job to produce! and if you throw it all in the garbage, that's your prerogative. it doesn't even hurt my feelings! i'm actually moving onto bigger and better things anyway. i have a new gig. well, i applied for a new gig. well... i haven't applied yet, but i called. and it's practically in the bag. my friend jamie and i, we're going to scope it out tonight, make sure they are up to snuff to employ me... well... when i say "employ" i actually mean "intern". they might intern me.

for free!!!!